I am not great with vulnerability. But I come to you today to share a struggle that I know many of you face as well: trouble with my weight.
After the New Year I went through my closet and tossed outdated clothes. I hold onto stuff for years. I have to dress up every day, and work clothes ain’t cheap! Some things were faded. Some were stretched out. Some had holes. And, of course, some didn’t fit. I was good to go on winter clothes, so I started thinking towards spring and summer. I’ve shopped every Old Navy, Banana Republic, and Nordstrom sale for the past few weeks to pick up pieces for my warm weather wardrobe. A little at a time. Last night after work, I decided to try on a dress I’d ordered online – and it was skintight on my butt. Like afraid to bend over tight. I felt like such an asshole. And I let it derail my night.
These feelings come and go. Some days I’m distraught over how big my thighs are; some days I’m just thankful to have working legs. Some days I’m cursing my gigantic ass; the next day I’m grateful for my curves. Some days I want to dedicate myself 100%; the next day I throw caution to the wind and make pasta with a side of garlic bread. It’s all about balance.
Truthfully I work pretty hard. I work out 5-7 days a week at home. Meal prep breakfasts and lunches. I don’t eat fast food, don’t drink soda, can avoid sweets. Get in 10,000 steps a day (despite having a desk job). I have to be conscious of it, but, dammit, sometimes I just want to live my life. And perhaps I live it a little too much. There is a fine line for me between wanting to lose weight and wanting to enjoy myself. I want to drink wine and beer. I want to be able to enjoy a night out with friends and family. I want to go to a restaurant without having to first study the menu. I don’t want to carry around scales to weigh my food. I want to eat pizza – and not that cauliflower crust bullshit. Real pizza.
It’s been a lifelong struggle for me, though I’ve learned to love exercise and healthy food. Both make your body and mind feel alive. I make good decisions, but I make bad ones, too. I sacrifice. But we can always do better, right? I need to drink less beer. Reach for healthier snacks. Cut out the coffee creamer and the mindless grabbing of M&Ms off my coworkers desk. Probably work out more. Sleep more. Move more.
But I also have to be honest with myself: I’m never going to be one of those people who enjoys munching on almonds. I’m never going to turn down carbs. I want to toast with wine and champagne and enjoy my grandmothers’ homemade treats and eat dinner with J, even if it’s at 9:00 (as it was Monday night) because we’re both busy, working adults. I want to go to Happy Hour on Friday because holy shit we made it through another week and it’s time to celebrate. Life is too busy for me to count every calorie and macro. I’m lucky if I get a lunch break most days. Entering how many ounces of chicken I ate is not on my radar. And if I eat steamed chicken and vegetables every day, I’ll never maintain it. It will be a landslide (greater than Stevie Nicks could have ever imagined) of garbage food and behavior.
What do I want? To be healthier. Always. To not end my day in tears over a fucking dress. To not feel stressed when shopping for clothes or swimsuits. To not hate the woman who doesn’t exercise or count calories and is a size 6 (love you, mean it). To not obsess. To enjoy food without stressing over it. To feel comfortable in my own skin. To remember that we are not one-size-fits-all. To embrace my unique shape, as frustrating as it can be to dress. To get clothing tailored, if necessary.
Tell me, friends: do you struggle with this? And what tips do you have? Healthy recipes? Workouts you love from home? What has made you successful?
And if you want to tell me that you also think Old Navy’s clothes are getting smaller, I’m here for that, too. 🙂